Mutinous

This is extremely bemusing to me, not that it happened in a day but this morning while getting ready some how the inner conscience pinched in. Though I really hate it to come in the picture and I end up doing something I really don’t wanna do.

I could recall a conversation from the movie ‘Man on fire’ – “A man can be an artist... in anything, food, whatever. It depends on how good he is at it. Creasey's art is death. He's about to paint his masterpiece”. I felt I have painted mine, and then I realized I painted one a few months ago and then I realized I have painted at least 5. So I had to conclude that I am yet to paint one, though each one of them was equally good. I know I am an emotional one and have always got involved to the brim. I know that it is because of my emotional quotient and the capacity to go to the state of empathy. The combination of my pragmatism and problem solving all adds to one ________________deadly combo as they say. Also my ability to patiently listen and wait for the other party to approach and make the final move has always given me an upper hand.

I am sure you can’t understand the dilemma I am having or my reason of talking about it lest I explain it to you. I can trace this back to school days when I had my first ever relationship and the only unsuccessful ever. Unsuccessful in my terms is the condition where in the girl fails to propose. Damn, I shouldn’t have let her go. I really missed her a lot. Believe me, for more than 3 years I missed her and long after she was gone and this is what I concluded and have been constantly preaching- First ones are always gonna stick to you.

It started in Jan 2005. A sweet very decent one, first timer though, studying in a very hap girl’s college. Hap because the girls studying there were meant to be very happening. I was on cloud nine when it happened, though some where I was aware she wasn’t exactly my type. Not very good looking or the ones I wanted to flaunt off within my friend circle, but everything seemed fine. With time came the promises and commitment for a long term and marriage too. But, unfortunately Jan 2007 was the end of it all….I refrain from talking more about her because I am with her again for life time I guess.

I remember getting the Doctor’s number from a school batch mate who was settled in some southern part of the country when I was in Delhi doing my engineering. It was October 2006. Having spent almost 20 months with the decent one with out much action or fun I needed, she came as a delight, though I never had a feeling that she is possible. But, still I talked to her because I knew that she might be the one I was willing to be with. Within no time came the proposal. Far earlier then expected but I guess it was perfect. I got crazy for her. She was a little short than my expectations but the other aspects were good enough to ignore this one. She was amazingly caring which actually was a shock for me and had a medical background i.e. she was doing her physiotherapy. I had always thought about having a companion who is preferably from a medical background since my entire family was a huge engineer fraternity with many engineers that I can actually have a successful engineering college without falling short of the faculty ever.

Then came the golden period of my dynasty with the doctor i.e. Feb-March 2007- That was when I was interning in one of the best possible organization in my field in the world. Everything arranged by dad of course and I happened to stay at 1 Km distance from the doctor’s place. We used to return home together alternate days and spend evenings also together. Everything seemed to be perfect that we actually vowed to stay together for life. She was fashion conscious with plenty of guys vooing her, this used to at times make me feel a mismatch. I used to get over it understanding my stability with respect to my career and future, but not everything was smooth and unruffled till the fateful night when the doctor happened to talk to the decent one and all dreams were shattered. She was done with me by April 07. Reason being I didn’t call her for a week and I still regret not calling her once in that period. Feel like a moron but…………..

Did I mention April? I remember about starting to talk to this decent slim sweet short girl in May 07. Though the first ever girl younger to me but I really liked her a lot. May be her bureaucrat dad was the force acting behind it, but still I was pretty attracted to her and used to love chatting with her. I felt really close and I could actually make out the way she used to feel about me. Nights passed like minutes talking to her and I felt good about her. Staying in different cities we started planning a date though it never happened! I knew she had compromised a lot for me. Coped up in every possible way, just for me, how many guys are this fortunate? Time passed and she could not manage and finally broke up. Fortunately, she had another guy (far more deserving) in her life by the time she broke up. I was happy for her and I did everything possible to let her avoid me. Realized it later that she only wanted me and had loved me far intensely then I ever imagined. She kept coming back to me instead of the guy she was going around. I missed her even badly but wanted to move on, as quickly as possible. Her call or the slightest view of her pics used to make me miss her like a moron. I felt really close to her but was neither willing nor strong enough to take a step forward to be with her.

The decent one made me miss more and more as time passed by, but then I had started going around with another happening Punjabi girl from Delhi. Her parents settled in Canada with a well nourished business was definitely enthralling. I could blame it all to the chemistry with her, or it to our sun signs or something else but she was a pleasure to be with. I longed to talk to her time and again especially when she went abroad to see her parents… continues;


Not that I am a good looking hunk, yes I am a fair, average looking guy from a good family. I went to one of the best engineering colleges in India which is a dream for million of parents in India. I was into sports and was fairly good at everything I played (Badminton, Swimming, TT, Pool, Carrom). I am a party guy and had a really big friend circle from guys to girls; everywhere I went (Various schools, college, office etc).

I wish I had understood the reason for my inclination and the possessiveness for the other half of the society. I know it’s not my libido which takes me to extremes but my inner senses and feelings which keeps me attached.

Written by: Digvijay Singh